It was cold, drizzling ,and on the verge of being icy. In, short, miserable.
Why does that matter?
Cuz there was a tweekadero out in it
A tweekadero behind the wheel on a quiet country road. Just cruising, headed home at closing time, trying to avoid the cops.
So he is out, in the midst of the grass seed fields of Lane County, and sees through the mist, a ghostly shape, just over the fence, near a shed where a flock of sheep are huddled and sleeping.
This ghostly shape lets out a frightful noise, that cuts through the rain, just as this fella is approaching a lonely stop sign, at an intersection, one of those lonely , country intersections.
Squinting through the rain on the passenger side window, he realizes it is a goose, a big fat, white goose, just standing there in the rain and soggy grass of the saturated fields.
Now, tweekadero here, isnt the most honest man, no. Though he is trying to be better, trying to stay, not incarcerated, but it is hard work, dammit.
And now, drunk bored and alone, the gods are gong to tempt him with a free goose?
Did I mention it was right before Christmas? Yeah, right before Christmas.
So this fella, gets an idea…
And that, with this guy, was usually the problem…..
He decided, he could really be the hit of christmas, if he actually came home with a Christmas Goose!
So, next wide spot, farm field driveway he comes across, he turns around, and heads back for the goose.
He is hoping and hoping it is still there, hoping it hasn’t wandered off, or worse, flown away.
But no, as luck(i use that term loosely) would have it, the goose was right there, huddled uo against the long grass at the corner meeting place of two fences.
So dude pulls up, lights already off, turns off the engine. He sits there, looking around, through the rain soaked windows, for lights in the distance, headlights etc, or any other potential witnesses to what he was fixin to do.
Satisfied, he gets out of his beat up old car, grabs a blanket out of the back, slogs across the muddy ditch, and scrambles over the field fence. Then, he drops with a splash, unto the swampy, field.
Now the goose, though aware he is there, doesn’t really seem to mind his presence. His ruffling of feathers, merely to shake water off, however sure spooks our tweekadero, sending him stunbling backwards into the fence, and halfway back over it.
I swear, the goose chuckled.
So, composing himself, and now, embarassed, and kinda mad at the goose, he re-climbs in to the field, and waddle strides toward the goose, slowly, ever worried the goose would take off.
He could tell, the mud was too slippery, if the goose started running, it was over before it had begun.. There would be no running on this mud slick!
No, his only chance was a comical, almost old west waddle toward the goose.
Shockingly, the goose doesn’t move at all, doesn’t seem to care. He gets right next to it, touched it, nothing.
He reaches down, hugs it, still nothing. Takes the blanket he had brought with him, wraps it around the goose, and picks it up.
No struggle, if anything, it seems the goose appreciates the blanket, seems to snuggle in!
He cant believe his luck! This is gonna be easy! He walks back to the fence, and though he struggled and stumbled getting over, even dropping the goose, it stayed their patiently, for him to regain his composure, and pick it back up!
He gets to his car, opens the back door, and carefully puts the goose on the back bench seat.
Running around the car, he climbs in the drivers seat, and turns back to survey the goose, his back seat, and the xmas dinner he was already planning on having.
Now you may be asking, why not the trunk?
For those of you asking, have you ever seen a tweekers trunk?
Trust me, no room for a goose back there!
You may be unclear about the size of geese, by way
Anyhow, he pulls loose the back seat blanket, and various sundry clothes and towels, he’d had strewn all over back there, into some semblance of a back seat nest for his guest.
He reasoned, just because i am going to kill and eat him, doesnt mean he has to suffer on the way there. right?
See? tweekers sometimes have hearts, if not brains….
Anyhow, once he had his guest comfortable, he started his pre flight check, if you will, in prep to drive away…. again, if you know tweekers, you know what i mean,
A little ritual b4 ya go… a couple little blasts, , light a smoke, check the mirrors, start the car, recheck, move shit around in passenger seat, fidget, repeat….. it can take 3-5 minutes for a good one!
And i suppose, there was an extra check here. He was watching that goose real close when he started up that car. But you know what? Not a peep, Seemed to be just fine in the warm, dry car.
So all of his tweeks, twitches and ticks satisfied, he slowly puts it in gear, while still looking over his shoulder to see the gooses reaction.
again, though there is a little rufflng of feathers, but all in all, the goose seems game for taking s ride.
so off he goes, gradually picking up speed, goose in his peripheral vision.
All seems grand, he is cruising along, and there is nary a peep from the goose, until he starts to slow down.
There is a stop sign ahead, and he has to slow down.
And this is where it gets interesting. The goose which had almost been asleep in the oh so warm car, was startled by the braking, and sqwawked a little.
This in turn, caused our friend the tweekadero, to instinctually tap the breaks again, which woke the goose completely.
Now the goose is demanding to know what is going on, or so it would seem, the way he was trying to spread his wings in the back of that car!
With the honking and stretching of wings, the tweekadero hits the brakes instinctively, and hard, screeching to a stop.
This, it turns out, was not so good, because now, the goose was lurched up into the front seats with our buddy, and in a fighting mood!
now a goose can tear you up, leave bruises and break bones, with just well aimed strokes of that beak.
But in a confined space, those wings, and those suddenly face ripping huge claws, are a whole new game!
Now, lucky(again, I use the term loosely) for our friend, his feet come away from the pedals, as he is managing to shove the goose back into the back seat. Shove may be too strong a term, as he was balled up and flailing, and the goose semi retreated, but shoved is what we will use.
Anyway, the car, starts to idle forward slowly, and almost instantly, the goose calms down, and settles back in.
Sure enough, the car is just inching along, and, the goose is just nesting back in, pleased as punch.
Unfortunately, dude hasnt figured this out, he comes out of his fetal, please dont kill me mr.goose position, sees that the goose has settled down, and reaches down to press on the brakes with his hands. He doesnt want to wreck his car, and he has no idea which way it is pointed quite frankly.
Now, this, this was displeasing to the goose, and with a flash, he was drilling dude in the back with that 50 caliber beak, like it was on fully automatic!
Just peppering the poor guy, so of course, he goes back into that fetal position, curls up, and the car again, starts to idle forward. And yes, the goose calms down again,
Now, he is kinda figuring this shit out now, figuring out that the goose likes the ride, and realizes that maybe, just maybe, he can get out of the car out the passenger door, given that is the door closest to his head and hands. It isn’t moving that fast, he could prob run around the car, let the goose out, and get back in, all good.
Luckily, his car has simply been puttering along, straight and true down this country road, for now, and, from what he can see over the dash, through the dark and rain, this would be as good a place as any to make his break for it.
So he looks back at the goose one more time, then pops the handle on the door and begins to push it open, starting to lunge out of the car as he does so….
Unfortunately, through the dark and rain, and his concern for the goose, he missed the mailbox…. but the mailbox didnt miss the car door… oh no, caught it good and square, throwing our tweekadero right back into the car.
Not only back into the car, it through him back hard enough, that his legs got caught up in the steering wheel.
Now, his car, is no longer puttering along in a straight line down this country road…. no, no, nope… it swerves a couple times, then hops a driveway, and ends up laying on the driver side, on the wrong side if the road!
And…. it isnt moving anymore, stalled out….. and this, again, displeases the goose …
now, before I go toofar into the goose’s unhappiness, I must explain, that this was, a country road in Oregon, with an Oregon country driveway, and ditches commensurate with the levels of rainfall that Western Oregon regularly receives.
So, the ditch, was nearly a canal, and was indeed deep enough, and wide enough for the car to disappear from vew, once fully down in it.
Which is precisely what happened in this instance. Not only were cars few and far between on this old country road at night, they wouldnt have seen his brown car anyway, if they werent looking for it.
So , our friend was stuck in there with an angry, trapped goose for a good two hours, before the homeowner got to the end of his drive on his way to work
As the car landed drivers side down on the incline of the ditch, not inly was he unable to open the driver’s door, but the car was now sporting a small stream running through it.
Whats worse, is that everytime he tries to climb up to the passenger door to get out of the car, the goose just starts kicking his ass!!
He tries 4 or 5 time, before he focuses on avoiding the goose, while staying out of the the puddle leaking in from the stream.
Luckily, this was Oregon drizzle, not a downpour, so the ditch wasnt running even at half capacity, still, even a small stream in your car, while you are in a small stream, is disconcerting to say the least, depth be damned!
So anyhow, the home owner, noticing and getting out of his car to investigate, cant see a whole lot, as the widows are smeared with rain, mud, shit and feathers, but he could hear the combatants. And it doesnt sound good, lots of screaming, honking, cussing and crying.
And that was enough…. he didnt care what that guy was saying, he wasnt opening that car door, for him or the goose!
Nope, dude went ahead and drove the teo miles down the road(this was before cell phones) to the Rural Fire Dept, and let them deal with it.
So a fire truck, tow truck, an ambulance, animal control and a deputy sheriff later, and the mess was cleaned up. The goose was fine, the man, not so much. The man had six broken ribs, multiple lacerations and a concussion.
On the bright side, his parole officer figured he had suffered more than enough, and didnt send him back to prison… so he has that…. imagine having to live down that parole violation story?