weighed, Measured, and Found Wanting

My screams and pleas for help, twisted, fumbling and lacking in purpose and direction as they are, fail. They are pleas, couched as laments, or even jokes, ashamed, to need help.
Ashamed, that you bought in, that you believed, if you were a good guy, if you used your smarts right, you could be alright. Always hoped, that even though finances kept me from finishing any sort of degree, that showing my smarts, exhibiting problem solving skills, might get me opportunities. That someday, somebody might see past my lacking of a degree, would see the intelligence, would see the talent, would give me a shot, at something.
That maybe I would escape, being the boss at a bar, because I was the smartest bad ass. Would escape running the warehouse or mill, after going from temp to foreman in months, , only to get fired for standing up for my employees. Again and again. thought one of those guys, that said you dont belong, here, we gotta get you outta here, had actually meant it. Was really coming back, was really gonna give me a chance. Thought one of those folks, who said, you are too smart for this, might actually do something about it.
Afraid, to be crushed, by someone you thought for sure would want to help. Petrified, really. I mean, where do you go with that humiliation? How much lower, would you avert your gaze?
Terrified, it will turn out, that you really arent worthy, that you really dont have any help coming bub. That your favorite trope, the cost benefit analysis, will deem you unworthy of investment, from anyone.
That you are obsolete, and unnecessary. That indeed, everyone you know, family, friends, old bosses, has consciously or unconsciously, decided you arent of enough value, to be bothered with. You may have been somebody back in the day buddy, but you aint shit now.
The realization, after years, of screams and yowls, at crazy tantrums exhibiting your humiliation and misery, the only way you know to beg for help, that no one is coming. That the hole you are in, is deep, dark, and nobody is coming. No one is coming. No one, heard your pleas, and thought, “holy crap, thats my buddy, I cant leave him in that hole”. That no matter how you rationalize it, no matter how busy people are, it still means, you arent important enough, to anyone. Mostly, because they really dont “see” how dire it is.
Nobody, is saying, “Fuck an A man, I am clearing my schedule, or getting on the phone to a buddy who can, to help my buddy”. Nope. Is that rational? No. But, is it so irrational to hope, that ya wouldn’t have to beg? That love, might bring you help, before it is desperate?
Yeah, probably not rational. I mean, the real reason, is probably cuz any friends I have left, are in their own dark hole, struggling just like me. Maybe if I hadnt gone so far away, we could have dug each other out. But I didnt…. so I am out in the desert, sinking in a hole, that noone can see.
Hell, perhaps my feeling like I ever did anything, for anyone is all self delusion. Self agrandizing, with no root in reality. That maybe, I was just fooling myself the whole time, deluded myself. I have really just been a dick, who happened to be witty. Maybe I was never a nice guy, just a delusional narcissist living in a fantasy world.
I mean, my reality, sure is that of someone who never did a damn thing for anyone. I have never felt more, “Fuck You Die”, from my community. Maybe they are right, and I have been wrong all along? Indeed, it seems I have been weighed, measured, and found lacking. No, I am not suicidal, i am simply giving up. I surrender.

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